Should I be Married?

16th May 2025

‘Are you married?’

This is often one of the very first questions I get asked by just about everyone I meet in India. My answer? Nope. ‘And no boyfriend either.’ But my response always elicits a smile from the questioner, and I still can’t quite tell if it’s one of recognition or genuine pity. It’s a stark contrast to the Netherlands, where you are typically asked first about what you do for a living (and perhaps what salary comes with it). While marriage is certainly valued in the Netherlands, it’s a topic that usually comes up later in conversation, not as the immediate opener.

Just the other day, my brother (who is Dutch and married with kids) said to me, ‘I really want you to be happy,’ and I wondered what he exactly meant by that. I am happy, and I assumed he could see that. He already saw me go through a divorce with a Dutch partner after 22 years of marriage and then a significant relationship with someone from India that didn’t last — hadn’t he seen that those relationships had in fact compromised my wellbeing rather than added to it? Given that society often equates happiness with being in a successful partnership, perhaps he assumed that as a single woman, I wasn’t really happy, or not as happy as I could be.

While marriage is certainly valued in the Netherlands, it’s a topic that usually comes up later in conversation, if at all, and definitely not as the immediate opener.

Let’s be honest: in this globalised world with all its cultural variety, we all seem to agree that you only really count if you’re part of a ‘complete set’. My generation (Gen X) still seems to be hung up on this idea that spouse, house, kids, dog, and a charging point for the family electric car and cargo bike (in the Netherlands, at least) constitute success in life.

While this idea of a ‘complete set’ may still dominate many minds, my personal journey challenged those conventional notions.

After my divorce, I found a new love when I was in India, and having a relationship there highlighted significant cultural differences in attitudes surrounding partnerships, particularly concerning the roles of men and women. While I enjoyed the warmth of living in a joint family during my visits to India, it became clear that the expectations for women were very different from what I was used to in the Netherlands. There was often an unspoken understanding that a woman would naturally prioritise her husband’s needs and career, sometimes even putting her own professional life on hold, especially after having children. This manifested in my then-partner’s belief that I could — and would — simply drop everything in my life to be with him on his terms. For me, this felt like stepping back into the 1950s, a role I had no intention of embracing. I couldn’t imagine leaving my life behind to become part of his, but he couldn’t imagine me not wanting to do that — most every woman in India does just that for their partner, so why shouldn’t I?

There was often an unspoken understanding that a woman would naturally prioritise her husband’s needs and career, sometimes even putting her own professional life on hold, especially after having children.

Of course, in the Netherlands one can also find women in more “traditional” arrangements, but the difference is that those women were free to choose that relationship dynamic — it’s one of almost unlimited possibilities here. In the Netherlands, a woman is considered independent: she can choose to be in a relationship or not, and within a relationship, she can decide what her role will be. And if the relationship doesn’t suit her, she can also end it.

Because I have children from my previous marriage, it was always my unspoken assumption that he would eventually join me in the Netherlands. Instead, he moved to the UK for a job and expected me to join him there, which — although he was geographically closer — ultimately added more stress as I tried to balance my own work in India and the Netherlands with visits to him, all while being a mother to my daughters in Amsterdam.

Leaving my children — my youngest was then just eighteen — was never an option for me, even though at one point he almost convinced me otherwise. But just in time, I realised that, despite his wishes, my role as a mother would always come first. This reinforced what I’ve always believed: that my sense of identity and happiness doesn’t depend on partnership. In fact, it’s the freedom to choose what truly matters to me, and how I balance my roles, that defines my happiness.

Happily alone, alone and happy — however I put it, it rings true!

From that moment on, I find myself wondering more and more if that perfect picture, that widely shared notion of what it means to be ‘complete’, aligns with my definition of happiness. I’m on my own now and happy. Happily alone, alone and happy — however I put it, it rings true!

Admittedly, it took me awhile to get here, to choose myself, to let go of the idea that being with someone is life’s default setting and that being alone means you’re lonely. Because the truth is, I’ve never felt so good. I’ve got more energy, and I’m much more myself. I’m no longer swamped by constant back-and-forth chats with my ex. I’m not rearranging my plans (and future!) for someone else anymore. And I’ve found a sense of peace that comes with not having to constantly adjust to someone else’s needs.

Now, I can enjoy the moments that are just for me — guilt-free. I have the freedom to pursue my passions, go to parties when I feel like it, stay out as long as I want, and focus on my personal growth. I finally have the time to learn new skills, take courses and build the life I want on my own terms. It’s not about being alone; it’s about embracing the power of independence and creating a future that’s mine.

It’s not about being alone; it’s about embracing the power of independence and creating a future that’s mine.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t see the value of family and marriage, but my experiences have shown me that true happiness comes from honouring who I am and what I need. I’ve been in relationships where, despite the love, the expectations placed on me — especially as a woman — called for me to sacrifice too much of myself. This became even more apparent during my time in India — even as a Westerner, it was clear that I was expected to adhere to the traditional expectations for a woman. It helped me realise that, as much as I cherish the idea of partnership, my sense of self and independence must always come first.

In the Netherlands, where generations of women fought for their autonomy, choosing a path that is different from traditional expectations isn’t about avoiding commitment: it’s about finding a way to be true to my own values while still allowing room for meaningful connections. For me, embracing a period of joyful independence and self-discovery has been the most empowering choice I could make.

Looking back, my decision to get divorced was a difficult one, but I needed to honour my own life and needs. I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I constantly felt like I was compromising who I was. Similarly, while the idea of a partnership with someone from a different culture had its appeal, I knew that it would require a level of compromise that wasn’t in line with my values. What I’ve learned is that just being in a relationship in order to be able to tick the “partnership” box isn’t enough. No relationship is worth sacrificing my independence. With or without a partner, I am complete. And happy.

And honestly, since I’ve been single, I feel stronger and more in my element than ever before. It’s a kind of freedom I didn’t know I needed until I had it.

Jolene Prins

About the author

Jolene has always had a strong connection to writing. While her professional work includes content for annual reports, websites, internal magazines, and company films, it’s the more personal, reflective writing that resonates most with her. She writes about what she observes, questions, and learns in everyday life. As Managing Director of a leadership communication agency THEY, Jolene divides her time between the Netherlands and India. Living and working in Delhi gives her the rare opportunity to experience local life up close—an experience that continues to shape both her perspective and her writing. Her blog offers reflections born from cultural friction as well as connection. She doesn’t write to explain, but to explore—and often gives voice to things others may have felt but not yet found the words for.

Should I be Married?

16th May 2025

There was often an unspoken understanding that a woman would naturally prioritise her husband’s needs and career, sometimes even putting her own professional life on hold, especially after having children.

Happily alone, alone and happy — however I put it, it rings true!

Jolene Prins

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